Modern Day Indentity Crisis

Modern world may have solved and will furthermore solve many issues, invent new solutions....but with it  also comes modern day issues.
One of them the identity crisis after marriage when one is in the possession of IDs for two countries. Not to mention differences between two cultures when addressing married couple on the mail.

Changing the name officially
After our wedding in Finland I learned that in US there is no single centralized system like in Finland (magistrate) to recognize the new last name (or address for that matter) and pass it on to all others instances.
The Finnish magistrate has taken care everything else except passport and driver's license. All possible instances have received the info (e.g. bank, post, etc.) that a) I live in US b) my last name has changed.
Passport I need to get renewed in person, since do not live in Finland. Which in my case means a passport a trip to New York, Washington or Los Angeles (long weekend trip...yeiiii!).
The driver's license I can renew only by visiting the police station in Finland in person.

For a while I kept going with the approach: part of the cards in the old name, part of the cards with the new name. But it got confusing....everytime when paying by card I had to check which one I had used, to ensure I sign it with the respective last name. Also if asked for IDs I had to keep in mind which name was on the card to hand over the right ID with the matching name. Yes....one easily gets to an identity crisis with that style.

Having busy work weeks conveniently made it somewhat impossible to get too much into the process of getting the name changed to all necessary directions here.
Despite that US style presents somewhat challenges to get anything done fast, I had enough of living under two identities. So, I took on the one woman mission to end it and find my new self...even on the cards and IDs :)

Once I started listing the most important ones...it became obvious that I need nearly a whole day to take care even just 2 places. Social security and driver's license meant waiting in the line for hours. Texas department of public safety, which administrates the whole driver's license process as well...is one of the most occupied places, right after the social security office.

At this point I had already though the Green Card with my new name....but like said, no centralized approach.
Before Christmas I decided to take care most...since before Christmas the lines cannot be that long. Little did I know...3 hours at social security office, then decent drive to Texas department of public safety and another hour there.

On the plus side though, one can make on-line appointment to renew the driver's license, which I did once I was done at the social security office. Most of the waiting time was used for me driving there, then filling in the form. This kind of on-line appointment system would be necessary to all public sector offices. It makes the "hanging around in the line" vanish.
I kept hearing, while standing in the lines, that some ladies had waited even for 2 years before getting the last name changed officially. While standing in those lines.... I totally understood why they delayed the process.

What surprised me though was that at work I was able to change my name throughout all the HR and e-mail, etc. without needing to show any official papers. That would not have worked that easily in Finland. Now my new initials at work are I KING :) I like it!

Receiving mail
The other funny difference between Finland and US is how I get addressed on the mail after marriage. For an independent woman like myself, who was raised in highly gender equal environment...the traditional US style did cause the steam coming out of my ears in the beginning. Now I just mostly chuckle about it and tell my husband: "There is some mail for you."
Namely the US style to address a married couple is mainly either Mr. and Mrs. "Husband's First and Last Name" or Husband's name first and then Wife's name. This style was clearly invented few hundred years ago.

I thought it was funny contradiction to the saying "ladies first" till I did the research and got to know that the saying comes originally from Europe. Never mind then :)

Addressing a household by Finns (or by other Europeans or Singaporeans) traditionally puts the female's name first and then the husband's name. I sometimes put the husband's name first if it rhymes nicer that way around (and I know the lady of the household would not mind).
Or one addresses the whole family e.g. "Family XYZ". The background in Finland is valuing highly the gender equality and in many cases one follows the European etiquette: "Ladies first".

While writing this, I am smiling and thinking back to our wedding day...my motto was: " Queen for the day, KING for the rest of my life" :) As I will, so mote it be.

Houston City Living

Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.

Neil Armstrong

I still remember when I returned back to Finland in 2007, after 12 years abroad and the main thought was: I do not want to live in the city. Which lead to buying a place in Masala, Kirkkonummi. Which is about 30 min drive from Helsinki downtown.

When the decision was made to move to Houston and settle in first to my husband's "bachelor cave" I was bit sceptic about how long I would survive with full sanity. You see, my new home here is right in the middle of downtown Houston.

The first months I was having sometimes home sickness to the views I used to have from the window to the forest and that big forest starting right from the back yard. Funny though how time heals and helps to adjust....now I have made my peace with living in the city and actually happy about it.

The only thing which makes me feel uneasy are the homeless people at the street. Mainly the ones, which are drinking or one can smell that they smoke weed. It kicks my self-defense alertness on. Yet till now, nobody has ever approached me or even said anything. One reason to it might be the good training I got during the time in Russia to walk on the street and look like one might bite off the head of anyone, who comes to talk. My dear friend in St.Petersburg said when I asked how to melt into the local crowd; stop smiling and look like being in rush and even little angry. It must have worked, cause I survived the 1,5 years without ever being robbed or attacked.

Houston downtown houses only about 10 000 people. Greater Houston has population of 4.4 million people. Just as a comparison, whole Finland has about 5.6 million people.

So, after office hours there are not too many people here, yet development of services is there. Restaurants, sports arenas, speciality stores, bayou outdoor area, theaters, cinemas, parks are all walking distance. More apartment buildings are being built all the time. Houston is changing its face drastically right now.

Being able to walk anywhere is one of the reasons I have actually learned to be happy about having this time and experience to live in the downtown. I can walk to most places. Some of the Finnish friends have mentioned the shift from used to walk everywhere in Finland and now needing to drive everywhere. They are not so happy about that change.
In downtown one can still walk everywhere. Which allowed me to stay car-less for nearly a year (which made me a weirdo in US terms) :)

My husband has a car and in the beginning it was enough for us. Only recently when I found my way e.g. to acupuncture, which I used to do on regular basis in Finland, and started having regular appointments....we noticed that 2nd car might not be bad thing to have.

Having learned to drive around downtown is also another great advantage. Some of my Nordic

friends dislike coming by car to downtown. I do not blame them.
I admit, at first I was not driving anywhere on voluntary basis. My husband, smart cookie as he is, pretty much forced me to drive. He would announce suddenly that "we are going out", I would follow him like a curious puppy....then notice that he pressed the car keys to my hand and informed in a determined tone:" You ARE driving."
After few times of those "just taking my wife out to drive" I started getting comfortable and even liking to drive around Houston. I admit the traffic can get overwhelming here at times.

Yet Houston downtown has been made to be green and is getting greener all the time. The city has invested a lot to create parks and green routes along and around the bayous. While running around the bayous one may even forget to be in the city.

Easy to run, bike and wander around....and yet stay within the city limits. Lot of opportunities for art and events, both indoor and outdoor.

I have loved the new habit I have taken with my in-laws and occasionally accompanied also by my husband: going to musicals. Also walks or runs outdoors show the art pieces everywhere....where they are well done graffiti
or statues, etc.

Those things have allowed me to dare to dream that having a house in the near of park and outdoor area is doable even here.

We are looking for a house outside downtown Houston...but till we find it, I will continue enjoying the city living as refreshing experience. Geocaching (one of my many hobbies) is one great way to get to know the city :)

See you in Houston!

You may experience....

One of my personal favorite comedy show has turned out to be the American medicine commercials.
They are hilarious!

I do agree that it is good to make people aware of the all the side effects before they buy the product. In that sense it is not bad to be make sure everything gets listed.
Though after hearing 5 minutes all the side effects, I keep thinking, who in their right mind wants to buy the product anymore?
One could think this being very counterproductive marketing.

A rough example from just one of the many commercials that run every day and night on most of the tv channels:
"XX can relief your pain significantly and make you feel better.
But XX is not for everyone, it can cause serious allergic reactions or suicidal thoughts or actions. Tell your doctor right away if you have any of these: new or worsening depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior,  swelling or trouble breathing, rash, blisters, changes in eye sight, including blurriness, muscle pain, fever or feeling of tiredness. Common side effects are dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hand and feet. You may find answers to your pain in XX, ask your doctor for XX today!"
(I got tired of writing all of the side effects and what one should not do while taking the medicine...so this is just a rough example)

I keep joking with my own version to my husband when we watch tv and those kind of commercials are on: " This medicine heals your headache or any other minor ache, which would go away with rest as well. You may experience severe difficulties to breathe,  your organs may stop functioning, you may get a stroke or die when taking this medicine...but ask your doctor for this medicine today, it is so worth it!"

If you want to see a one example....check this out: LINK

Real life comedy at its best!

A best thank you very much EVER!

,

Less is more....
This is very much the Finnish thinking. In particular when it comes to compliments or feedback. At work we used to joke that "no feedback is positive feedback".

Which of course is the complete opposite of American approach. The two extremes have caused interesting situations in my every day life in US. Below just few examples from the many :)

I noticed a difference during a restaurant visit when my husband talks e.g. to the restaurant staff compared to when I answer to their questions about if everything is satisfactory.
My answer would be something like:"Everything is good, thank you." Which seemed to cause a twitch in their facial expression. Like the waiter had just swallowed a lemon or was about to get an allergic reaction.
At first I did not understand the reason to this. I thought maybe my English was the reason. Thinking that the way I pronounce somethings was about to cause a laugh attack which the waiter tried to hide.
For those who do not know me, my husband describes me as highly fluent in American English without a regional dialect.

I love making own research and doing unannounced psychological tests (do not tell this to my husband, he has not yet figured this out)....when we were asked the question next time in a restaurant, I kept silent and waited my husband to respond. With high interest I observed the reaction of the waiter.
My husband responded something like:" Yes, everything is great. Thank you very much!"
The waiter walked away with a smile....NO face twitching.

HA!!! I nailed it....Simple sincere "thank you" or even the expression:"everything is good" is simply not enough here.

I can only wonder why though....
Those are positive expressions and it should be more than plenty to show that one is satisfied. Or is it that people say those simplest forms of gratitude because they do not dare to express being unhappy? US is THE country of unlimited return policies and flexible customer service "customer is the King". Which means that saying out loud honest opinion about food being too salty or too greasy should be totally ok. It should result to being able to get another portion or discount at least.

In Finland if one gives the direct feedback of e.g. food being too salty, it is often received in a constructive manner, yet it does not mean that you get a new portion or your money back. Regardless we do say our honest opinion, especially as customers. That is the only way to make things better, keep making our world a better place.

Back to my way of showing I am content....
To proof my hypothesis I tested myself the reaction if I answered like my husband does. I did not get
any facial twitching reaction. Nobody swallowed lemons or got any other sudden allergic reactions.

Still if I am generally just happy and thankful, I will continue say "thank you" and "good". With the risk of getting twitch reaction on the waiter's face.
The logic is simple...at my work, which is also at customer service related industry, I do not get anything else either for an average performance.  Average is actually not really preferred by my employer.
When I do my work well it means that I need to be one step ahead of my client and be able to be proactive instead of reactive. It does not matter what time the work day ends if my client needs me, I am there. I need to spot their needs before they ask for it. The same I expect from the waiter before I say "great" "thank you so much".

Same goes for the hotels. I do not leave tips to get better service. I leave tips IF I get better service or I leave a positive written feedback. Finns in general leave tips e.g. for restaurant staff if they think service was good. At hotel one would generally never leave tip for cleaning, as one pays for that already in the room price. If the room cleaning service was great, one would leave few dollars.

It is the simple thinking again, the money needs to be earned. Somehow in US the consumers seem to have forgotten it. How does one help anyone to improve their performance by leaving money in advance in the hope of getting better service? That trains the whole service industry to get reactive instead of proactive. Also, leaving the money before one has seen any results means that one is throwing money out of the window. As the fact is...how can you ever really compare if you actually got any better service?
I have tested this scenario in all possible forms as well during my lengthy stays at certain Hilton...and guess what? Spoiler alert: It made no difference whether I left the tip on day one or at the last day or did not leave tip at all. The room was in the same condition each time.

We Finns generally say what we think but not more than that. We have the joke that on the second day of the relationship the Finnish male says "I love you and I let you know if it changes".
Which brings me to one slang expression that keeps wiping me off my feet: "best XXX ever!"

I asked one evening from my husband what does it literally mean. Simply because I had the feeling that I might not understand its full meaning. To me the magnitude of the expression and how carelessly it is being spread around created a contradiction.

To me it sounded like it would mean that e.g. "best cocktail ever!"
(please do not hang yourself to the cocktail...just wanted to come up with something neutral and something you could relate to) would mean that:
A) one is comparing to all "cocktails" one has drank previously (which in all cases would not be valid...as sometimes one seem to state this slang saying about first time objects / experiences)
B) the "cocktail" one is now enjoying is better than ALL the previous cocktails. If it was cocktails my Finnish sense of humor wants to ask:"Would you even remember how each one of them tasted?" ;)

Little did I know...this one goes even further, which knocked my socks off totally. Apparently in the full meaning of the saying one is not only stating this comparing one's own previous experiences but everyone else's...int the whole world. As a Finn....I can only say: :"No huh huh! Holy smokes!"

I consider it as hard work and true accomplishment if I am able to rank my life time experiences. I find it so hard to rank e.g. the cities I have lived; best to least liked or top 3. Not to mention that I would consider overruling everyone else's opinions and experiences. No way....I respect their opinion, experiences and feelings too much. We Finns tend to be modest anyway on the "tuuletus" front. We say one is "airing" when one is boasting or expressive about something positive.

Which means that you can probably forget about hearing this expression from my mouth.

I know it is probably one woman mission but I am going to continue my way to show that even small positive expressions are POSITIVE. Thank you! :)

The roots behind the saying "less is more":
http://www.abstractconcreteworks.com/essays/lessismore/ls_s_mor.html